Jokes section

Subject: Jokes section Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:55 pm

Erm jokes? let me see what i have got here. Enjoy!!

Story 1(Ang-Mo-Tan):
In a recent beauty pageant in SIngapore, the contestants were tested for their local knowledge.
The first contestant came from Ang Mo Kio.
Q: "Name 3 watches that start with the letter 'L'."
A: "LACOSTE...(applause)...LONGINES....(appluse). .. and LO-LEX..(urgh!)"

Anyway, she failed the first qualifying round. Next was the contestant from Clementi.
Q: Name 3 fruits that start with the letter 'L'."
A: "Longan....LYCHEE...and LIU-LIAn."
Q: "You mean DURIAN?"
A: "Yes, LIU-LIAN."
Her name was never to be heard again.

Finally, it was the contestant from Juron. Aware that the Singapore beauties somewhat had difficulties with the letter 'L', the compere decided on something easier.
Q: "Name 3 fruits that start with the letter 'A'."
A: "APPLE...(Applause)...AVOCADO....(more applause)...and ANG-MO-TAN

It was an absolute let down.

Story 2(Answer In Brief):
Ramjit Singh is appearing for his productive tests. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fir out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pants, socks and watch followsuit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"I y...am only following the instructions, y...aar," he says, "it says here, 'Answer the following questions in BRIEF'."

Story 3(beatles):
Q:What would it take to reunite the beatles?
A>Three more bullets.

Story 4(Best News):
Ah Peng: Ah Yong. I heard you went to Australia last year.
Ah Yong: Yes. I got married to this Australian woman called Josephine.
Ah Peng: That's good.
Ah Yong: Not really. She was a real terror. Smokes and drinks all day, and stays out all night.
Ah Peng: That's bad.
Ah Yong: Not so bad. She had inherited $200,000 and i used all the money to buy a sheep farm.
Ah Peng: That sounds good.
Ah Yong: But one year, there was a drought and all the sheep died.
Ah Peng: That's terrible
Ah Yong: Not really. I sheared the wool and sold it for $300,00 in cash.
Ah Yong: Not so. I put the money in the house and one day it got burnt down and i
lost everything.
Ah Peng: That's really awful.
Ah Yong: No. That's the best part so far. The wife was inside the house.

Story 5(Bond breaking):
From the Home Office in Pinewood Studios, here's the List of Top Ten Reasons why scholars are breaking their bonds. Here we go...
10.Found out that the entire civil service uses Windows, and he's a mac user.
9. decided that he wanted to pursue his dream as a transvestite kick-boxer.
8. Suddenly realised he'sll be one of those hated civil servants.
7. Couldn't get posting to censor Board and watch all those uncensored films.
6. Heard that top civil servants will get pay cut.
5. Currently making good money in the evenings going 'The Full Monty'.
4. After three years oversea, realised that he can no longer understand Singlish.
3. Found hot An Mo babe that digs Asian men.
2. Wanted a few years off to go find himself.
1. Wanted to test out singtel's global Roaming on his new handphone.

Story 6(Can't Complain):
A planeload of Russians from the Soviet Union were stranded at Changi Airport and when the papers here heard about it, they quickly sent a few reporters to interview the emigrants.
"So what were living conditions like in the Soviet Union? Pretty bad, huh?" asked one reporter.
"Can't complain, " replied the leader of the migrant group.
"What about housing conditions?"
"Can't complain."
"Working conditions?"
"Can't complain."
The reporter paused for a moment in frustration and then loudly asked, "Well, if you can't complain, then where are you in Singapore?"
"Yes, here we CAN complain."

Story 7(Captains Pay With Their Life):
navy man Ahmad was in deep trouble for losing two sets of his uniforms on a bus. he was told he would have to pay for the replacements.
"How can?" asked Ahmad hotly. "What if I was guarding a boat and somebody stole it, would I have to pay for that too?"
"You have to pay for all government property that you lose," reminded the CO. "Understood?"
"Alamak, sir," said Ahmad. 'Now i know why a captain always goes down with his ship!"

Story 8(Characteristics of Ministers):
1. Which minister can't sing?
A:Wong Can't Sing(Wong Kan Seng)
2. Which minister is the elder brother of Robin Hood?
A: Richard Hood(Richard Hu)
3. Which minister thinks that he needs Chicken essence most?
A: Tonic Tan(Tony Tan)
4. Who are the bee Gees in parliament?
A: BG Yeo and Bg Lee. But opps, they don't sing.
5. Who is the only caucasian Mp in parliament?
A: Ang-mog Seng(Ang MONG Seng)

Story 9(Colours):
Ah Beng went for a job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, hsi mind is shouting, "Not this man!!"
However, he still had to entertain Ah Beng.
Therfore, he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words i give you, then maybe, I will give you a chance! The words are 'Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black'.
Ah Beng thought for a while and said, "Iheard the phone go green, Gree, and then i Went to Pink up the phone and said, Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Do not purplely disturb people and do not call Black, ok? You kena sai."
No further questions. He got the job.

Story 10(Count On Me, Singapore):
(Sing to the tune.)
We have a revision of pay tomorrow
Just release, just release
we have a poorer Singapore
We won't receive, we won't receive
You and me we have to part
With our CPF for a start
We have to show the world that we take less money
We won't receive, we won't receive
There is nothing down the road that we can look for
We were told to dream that we could never try for
There's a spirit in the air
That seventh month feeling we all share
We're gonna build a better after-life for you and me
We were deceived, we were deceived

Count money, Singapore
Count on me to give my salary and more
You are me
We'll do our party, give our kidneys and hears
We's gonna show the world how to GIRO your Body
we can't resist, we can't resist
Count money, Singapore
Count money, Singapore
Count on me to give my life and more
Count money, Singapore

We can resist together Singapore
Vote wisely eight years more
We can resist together Singapore
Vote wisely eight years more
We can resist together Singapore
Count on me to give my vote and more
Together Singapore, Singapore

Story 11(Differnce In Language):
What does an American say where he farts?
Excuse Me.
What does a british say when he farts?
Pardon Me.
What does a Singaporean say when he farts?
Not Me.

Story 12(Electronic Road Pricing):
ERP, Electronic Road Pricing in Singapore. Ever since it started, Singaporeans have had a field day calling it all sorts of names.

Here are some of them...
E-very day R-ob P-eople
E-xtra R-evenue P-rogramme
E-verlasting R-ude P-ricing
E-rror found R-ectify it P-roblem fixed
E-at first R-elax awhile P-ay later
E-very R-esident P-ays
E-xpressway R-obbery P-ermit
E-xtremely R-eprehensible P-ricing
E-xtremely R-ecommended P-ricing

Story 13(A to Z of the kiasu Philosophy):
A Always must win
B Borrow but never return
C Cheap is good
D Don't trust anyone
E Everything also must grab!
F Free! Free! Free!
G Grab first, talk later!
H Help yourself to everything
I I first, I wan, I everything
J Jump queue
K Keep coming back for more
L Look for discounts
M Must not lose face
N never mind what they think
O Outdo everyone you know!
P Pay only when necessary
Q Quit while you're ahead
R Rush and push to win the race
S Sample are always welcome
T Take but don't give
U Unless it's free, forget it
V Vow to be number one
W Winner takes it all! All! All!
X X'tra=More!
Y Yell if necessary to get what you want
Z Zebras are kiasu becuase they want to be black & white at the same time

Story 14(luring a Prey To Its Own Lair):
How did Ah Beng try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.

Story 15(Name Danger):
Do not give your children these names:
-Monica Cheng(in Hokkien) - Touching your buttocks
- Michael Tan (in Cantonese) - Selling eggs
- Lucy Liaw(in hokkien) - You are dead
- Judy Soo (in Malay) - lost in Gamble
- Paul Chan(in Mandarin) - Bankrupt
- Nelson tan (in mandarin) - Bird laying eggs
- Jason tan(in Mandarin) - Bluff people laying eggs
- Nelson Chong(in mandarin) - Worms infested bird

Posts : 10 Join date : 2008-12-17

HAHAHAH.. NICE JOKES!! (:
REALLY KEEP ME LAUGHING THOUGH I READ SOME BEFORE ^^

Subject: Re: Jokes section Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:52 pm

Cool thx...my first comment and reader of this user in topic! Laughing

Will try update more or maybe more ppl put your jokes to here? cheers